I told Fabian how I truly felt and got the answer I pretty much expected. I also made the toughest decision of my life that day too. In order to fully let go of him, I had to leave the group. In doing so, I didn’t just lose him, I lost all my other friends in the process. It pains me to think that I left some of the most important people of my life. But, it won’t be forever. I just need time. Enough time to heal a bit. And try to get over him while I’m away. I most likely will never see Fabian again after that day, nor will I make any effort to see him. If we do happen to see one another, neither of us will acknowledge the other. It’ll just have to be like that. I will make the effort to try and see my friends again. That will also take a bit of time too. Not too long I hope. Eventually, things will go back to a new kind of, ‘Normal’ and I’ll be okay. Haha, it’s funny now that I think about something I said to him that night. If I recall, I said, “Well, I guess this makes you the ” ‘One that got away,’ ” doesn’t it?”
I followed up by saying, “I guess we all need one of those in our lives. That one person we have to let go of if we wanna grow up.”
It was probably one of the toughest nights of my life so far. Letting go of someone I love so deeply because my feelings overpowered my senses. Love. It’s as powerful and dangerous as it is breathtaking and magical.
I’m tired of doing the same thing everyday. I need excitement in my life.
It’s day 3 of my sleepless nights and I’m starting to feel the effect on my body. I know this is going to turn out bad, but I can’t go back to sleep. No, correction, I won’t go back to sleep. Why? Because from Saturday to Monday last week, I had nothing, but dreams about Fabian and I. And you know what else? Those were probably the best dreams I ever had. We were happy, and kissing, and very intimate. It’s like my mind is purposely replaying images of the past in my mind just to torture me. It’s unfair. Why? Why should I have to go through this? I’m doing it to myself though…I should have just told him how I felt and get it over with. Ugh, knowing Fabian, if I tell him, he’ll just go back and tell his friends. I know he will. All guys do that. He’ll tell his friends and be like, “Oh God, Mikey’s always in love with somebody.” Which he has said before, so I wouldn’t put it past him. But, to be honest, I don’t fall in love that easy. I’ve only loved 3 people in my life.
- My first boyfriend, Adrian. He fooled me into thinking I was something special to him, and then he goes and cheats on me, not once, but twice. The first time with a friend and the second time with some kid I knew. What a dick.
- Fabian. I loved him since the day I saw him. It was really a, ‘love at first sight’ moment for me. But, over and over, I keep letting myself get hurt because of him. So, for years, I put my feelings aside and said to myself, “Being his friend is way more important to me. I don’t want to ruin that because of my stupid feelings” But, yet over and over my feelings keep returning for him. Stronger each time.
- My third boyfriend, Joseph. He was sweet, kind, compassionate, amazing all around. But, of course with my luck, he ended up cheating on me, not once, but twice. The first time was with Fabian. Ouch, talk about two shots in the heart. The second wasn’t really cheating, but it was so extreme that I dubbed it as cheating and said,
“Fuck you you stupid whore.”
No matter how hard my love life goes, it all falls back onto Fabian. I realized lately that I was very upset when Joseph kissed Fabian. I was enraged! But, I have come to realize that I was more upset Fabian kissed Joseph. Like, in a way, I wanted him to kiss me. But, of course Fabian always viewed me as, “Just a friend.” That’s not good enough. That’ll never be good enough for me because that means I’ll never be good enough for him. I understand why in the beginning he didn’t like me. I was hideous. I’m telling you I looked like a horrid mess of just..ugh! I shudder at the thought. Over the years, I changed slowly, becoming more and more in tune with myself. Eventually, I became the person I am today. I think I look pretty fucking cute, if I do say so myself ;) But, it’s still not good enough to get his attention. What more do I have to do? I’m contemplating getting snake bites or some form of piercing and/or tattoo that he may find attractive. I’ve even switching my style from, “Fobbish” to “Cali boii” slowly. I’m hoping he’ll notice me now.
P.S.-If anyone is going through this same situation, a situation of unrequited love, I highly suggest you DO NOT do what I’m doing. It’s the worst approach to take in situations such as this. It just makes things harder for you. Only you. It hurt, it affects you mentally and physically, you get so depressed, it’s not something I want others to feel. So please, be smarter than me, and just forget about that person. If they don’t give you the time of day or acknowledge your existence, why should you do that for them? That just shows you don’t truly love yourself if you have to change into something else for them. And I, and RuPaul, always say, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you expect to love somebody else?”